18

I feel as if I've lost touch with reality. All of my free time has been sucked up into the cyber world of Facebook, when instead I could be doing so many better things with my time. With reality.

I add people that I've only met once or twice. I creep on people. Others creep on me.

I deleted my facebook account to prove to myself that I am fully capable of living a socially healthy life without the aid (or manupulation) of a social networking website. I'm not implying that Facebook is the devil and you should stay away and yadda yadda. It has the potential to be a great tool for communication. However, in my personal life it has crossed a line and I feel almost as if it owns me. I know that I don't need it and can overcome it.
If I'm weak, chances are that I'll cave in and reactivate it. However, I don't consider myself weak. Once I know that I can live without it, maybe I'll reactivate it and show it whose boss. Until then, I guess we'll just have to wait see the turn-out of this battle

Wish me luck.

17

I feel like life is moving so fast. Everyone is changing-moving so quickly.
As for myself, I feel stuck in an empty void. Everyone is constantly doing, doing, doing.
I'm just a mere solitary spectator stuck in this little hole doing nothin' but dreamin'

16

I wish all emotions came with a set of instructions.
Currently, I think I'm experiencing every possible emotion all at the same time. First, I need a sifter or something to sort them out and identify them. Once I do that, I don't know what the hell to do from there.

When I get angry, I don't know how to deal with it. When I get sad, I lock myself up in my room and bury my head in a book.
I suppose that's why I find so much comfort in solitude.

This can't be healthy.

15

Lately, I've been feeling extremely ambitious.
Now that my first year of college has come to an end, I'm reflecting on my grades and am extremely pleased with myself. (This is in no way supposed to be a narcissistic blog, let me assure you). It just made me realize that I am fully capable of doing whatever my heart so desires if I really put my mind to it.
I'm self-motivated, driven, and will be successful. What is success, you ask? Success is only a state of mind! Bah!
:)

Random: I want to transfer to Rice...really bad.
Hopefully I can maintain my GPA because I will be applying soon.
:)
Also, I've REALLY been abusing these smiley faces lately in both txt msgs, online, and in person.
:) :) :)
:):)
:)

14

Let the summer of self-actualization commence!

13

Love is a messy thing- I don't want to get my hands dirty.

Lately, i've had a plentiful amount of romantic encounters/opportunities. In all cases, there has been physical attraction. However, in my mind (no matter how hard I try not to) I am comparing these suitable bachelors to you. They do not even hold a candle up to you. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking without a method of escape.
I don't know if i'll ever be able to form an emotional bond with anyone. If I try, your face comes up in the back of my mind. Thus far, my efforts are futile.
I'm not sad, happy, frustrated, depressed. On the contrary, this makes me feel void of all emotions. I feel like i'm just a physical emotionless machine.
Someone needs to wake me up from this weird trance.

Are you even out there somewhere?

12

I'm longing for a trip, though not one for vacational purposes or anything of the sort.
I want to solitarily go away somewhere (Walden Pond, perhaps?) hah.
In all seriousness though, I really want to get away from society.
Clear my head, align my emotions.
Liberate myself of all societal restraints.

I want to get to know myself better. I don't know who I am anymore. I once was morally strict and had high expectations of myself. Old fashioned would be a safe term.
All of these moral rules and expectations of myself seemed to have already been broken.
Why? Why did I do this to myself?
Don't take this the wrong way; I regret nothing. Experience is life.
I just don't know what it was exactly that made me break my own rules.

I want to return back to my old-fashioned moralistic self. Is it too late now though since my rules have been broken and expectations haven't been met?
Only through a solitary escape will I find clarity and alignment of the self.

I suppose it's time for a moral tune-up. I should go tune-up my honda while i'm at it while my warranty still pays for it.

11

Last night I dreamt that I was lost. I was in the woods somewhere and the sun was setting; the clouds were reflecting a vivid violet and pinkish blend. Silence took over the atmosphere.
The weird part is that I didn't feel frightened, confused, or alone. In fact, I don't remember feeling anything at all. I was just aimlessly navigating myself through these woods.
There were miles and miles of beautiful pine trees. Finally I stumbled upon a winding creek. I kneeled down to look closer at my reflection. The mirror image looked exactly like me, but for some peculiar reason I didn't recognize myself. My reflection looked back at me as if it wasn't my own. It seemed to glare at me-a judgmental stare. However, not even this could remove me from my calm and apathetic state. My disposition remained composed and I woke up.
Weird.

10

I went to Austin this week for spring break with my best friends. We rode the bus the whole time while we were down there. The bus system was really convenient, inexpensive, and a good way to be eco-friendly. I wish the metroplex had a good transportation system of the sort; at least one that reached more places and was easily accessible. Anyways, thats not the point of this entry. On our second day there, we rode the bus down to Barton Springs (this is WAY before the hot british band got on the bus btw). There was a homeless man talking to the guy next to him and I just so happened to over hear him. He was one of those seemingly crazy dirty old homeless men that just talk and talk and talk.
He was being ignored, but I certainly was paying attention :
"You cant look back at your past and relive it. You can't rely on the future either because it's never certain. You have to live in the present. I live by the hour- that's the way to do it. That's the only way to live; any other way is bullshit."

I don't know why but Ol' Crazy sounded far wiser than the average homeless man. Part of me kind of envies him. I kind of wish I didn't have to set plans for the future and just live on my whims. Why should I keep setting these plans for myself that are basically being set to integrate myself in all these social institutions- what's the point?
Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I'm way too chicken shit to live my life without plans-without a road map and some sort. So I guess i'll keep on truckin'; I'll keep trying to navigate myself through messy life.

9

-Stop cursing
-Become more spiritually involved
-Go camping
-Read more
-Go to the gym on a regular basis
-Stop being a glutton
-Stop over analyzing
-Enjoy more sunrises
-Try to reduce my carbon footprint as much as possible

8

What's more self-fulfilling-leading a life of selflessness and just appreciate the fact that you're helping others, or just selfishly doing what you love and want (after all, you just have one life to live; might as well make the best of it).
Do I want to put others ahead of me and make an impact in the life of others, or do I want to do what I love and not care?

Is there a happy medium here? Is there a right or a wrong?

7

This isn't deep and insightful whatsoever. It's more of a rant-fest...

You know what? I work fucking HARD.
I had 3 tests this week, rehearsals, concert. I got literally 1 hour of sleep thursday night.
I worked from 9:30 AM and left at 10:30 PM for shitty tips
I work again tomorrow morning and monday night.
Still have a SHIT TON of homework.
how am i balancing 18 hrs of school/4.0 gpa/ 20+hours of work?
who the hell knows...

I need a break.

6

I've been hankerin' for a new hair style.
Any ideas/suggestions?

I impulsively walked into a hairstyle salon today and I was gonna tell the hairdresser to just surprise me. Unfortunately (or fortunately I suppose, hah) they said I had to make an appointment ahead of time. Good thing too. Could have potentially been disaserous (or exciting!)

5

I've moved on quite quickly.
No use crying over spilled milk.
I have no use for someone in my life who has no use for me.
Although I will cherish the memories; no complaints there.

On a brighter note, this productivity lately has made me feel really accomplished; its made me feel really self-fulfilled. I'm still kind of tossing up my career in the air but I feel like I'm going somewhere-like i'm definitely getting closer. It seems like i'll be catching on to something very soon. As for transferring to UT, I'm probably going to stay at UNT unless I get some form of scholarship. I can maintain a higher GPA here and save some money too. To be quite honest, I've grown fond of the place-it's quaint.
My job is no longer stressful; I'm saving up a significant amount of money in a fairly short amount of time(although I did go on somewhat of a spending spree this weekend to compensate for my shitty mood).
Anywho, happy times.

4

Independence, here I come.
Throwing myself out there.

So busy, so productive all the time.
Maybe if I smile big enough my troubles will disappear completely.
I feel like a machine and I'm glad of it too.
I don't want to think of you
so here's my plan: I'm sticking you in this tiny tiny box and putting it away on the top shelf for storage.

3

Damn.
The one person that I care about most just gave me a low-blow.

Really upset, but what does it matter?
And so it goes.

2

I'm so god damned confused about everything.
I don't even know who I am, what I want, how I feel, what to do.

It's truly frustrating

I've been thinking...
I feel dependent. I want to feel independent because I know that is my true nature. However, I can't seem to embrace this independence. I'm really confused about my feelings.
Part of my doesn't want to let go. I can't explain my reasoning behind this. I feel a mutual possession. You're mine and I'm wholeheartedly yours. Like you're my rock, my inspiration. I guess this is partially why I feel dependent.

But the other part of me is screaming at me to let go. "There's many fish in the sea, why settle for the first catch when you can keep fishing?" I feel really guilty about having these feelings but they won't subside. I'm young. I should be exploring my options.
I know we've decided to have an open relationship, but I can't push aside that exclusive/possessive/dependent feeling.

straight up

i feel like a criminal?

stream

i hate it so much when you leave. its always goodbye never enough hello's. wish i could spend ever minute of my waking life with you although it sounds obsessive i promise its not its just that i can't quite seem to get enough of you no matter how much time we spend together. and just when i think we're the happiest and couldn't possibly be any happier, you go ahead and leave. i know its selfish of me to want you to stay here simply to be with me. i know its selfish to want you all to myself to want to spend every second with you. i cant always be selfless. i need you right now. all i feel like doing is sleeping. i dont want to wake up in the morning becausei have nothing to look forward to. being with you makes me feel like a better person. makes me want to learn more, improve myself. when you leave me i feel empty. purposeless. its not healthy, really.

havn't talked to you in 3 days and it feels like i'm going out of my mind. the last 1 yr and 3 months have been the best. if the rest of my life is like the past 15 months, i will die a happy lady.
this may all seem like a bunch of psycho bull but all it really is is that i miss you quite terribly...